Sunday, December 31, 2006
TIME: 8:32 AM
In like just a few hours time. It's gonna be goodbye 2006 hello 2007. This has been a very amazing year, full of ups and downs. Following what Shirley jie-jie said. I'm gonna do some reflection here. Maybe it will inspire someone, I think it will do that for me.
Start on the bad things first. Recently I've been very frustrated with myself. Looking back on the past year. I realized that I haven't given my all for God in many things. Things that I should have done to my best, because they should have been important, but I didn't. As much as it makes me feel terrible, I didn't put my 100% for outreach this year, letting discouragement and fear and all sort of excuses drain my passion for it. Without that fire, outreach was a periodic thing, no longer a lifestyle. For this, God I'm so sorry. Next, I realized that I wasn't as a good shepherd as I could have been to Ezekiel. I wanted to be the best of course, that was my desire ever since June camp, but I let that desire fade by convincing myself that I was still new and completely didn't know anything. Without that desire, I let some of the things I should have done for Ezekiel slide. For this, Ezekiel I'm so sorry. Throughout this year, there were so many things I could have done better, but I let my lazy side take over me. And later let the consequences wear me down.
But enough of that self pity.
I really thank God for this december. He gave me this month to really see what I have been doing. There were many things that I have not done to my best, but remain indifferent about. Throughout this month, God gave me insights on them, turning my indifference to frustration. A frustration meant to grow me. One that will make me not want to make the same mistakes again. And I think ultimately whatever I've done wrong, God will forgive, as long as this dissatisfaction, one that makes me want to go punch my past self in the face and say"wake up, and start serving God, stop lying around doing nothing.", remains, and I keep a repentant heart. I'm not saying that I can just constantly sin over and over again, repent and then go back sinning. But I think as long as I grow from the experience, even if I stumbled again. God will take my hand, pick me up and say" It's ok, It's alright to fall. Come take my hand, let me help you up,then we'll try again together." Just reading this back, it gives me new hope for the new year.
But this year hasn't been as dreadful as the previous paragraph describes. There are also lots of good stuffs, what I really want to focus on to inspire me to keep improving for next year.
First, while outreach has yet to be my lifestyle, I think God has really help me grow in this area this year. Although only periodic, those times, I think I really worked as hard as I could. There were no fruits, but when I finally manage to make outreach a lifestyle, something that comes so natural to me, I know God will bless me with much. Even with such periodic times, when Shirley said God clapped for all our hard work during yesterday's celebration. I heard him say" You've grown, you've done better than before, this clap is also for you."
Second, I thank God for blessing me with so much in NS, not many pes B, pass IPPT people can actually get out of combat units and jump right into band. Not many people have their shepherd sleeping just 2 beds away in BMT. Or have another hoppie(current shepherd) in the same unit. Looking at all this, how can I not believe that God blessed me. How can anyone who knows it not believe that.
Like I said, I really thank God for this december, not just for letting me see where I've gone off the path He set for me, but also to see the goodness He has placed in my life and the breakthroughs He has given me. Like Derrick wrote in my card, the shy me has been overtaken by the more courageous me, courage that God has given me. To be able to help a whole group of people in their studies when I have doubts about my ability to teach, especially when it comes to people I don't know at first. Also to be able to stand up in front of the whole central and share what God has spoken to me, it's not something I would have usually done. I also became more trusting of others, to look beyond their surface and see the intent. To release alot of grudges. All these things, I could never have done alone, simply because I never considered changing them. But God saw and God did.
Finally, I come to the most important blessing that God has given me this year. Something that I really thank Him for. It is said that Man does not live on bread alone. We need food to survive yes. But to live, we need to have relationships. A relationship with God being the most important. Also, relationships with others. So I really want to thank God for the people He has put in my life this year. God has placed Derrick in my life. My recently former shepherd. He is someone whom without with, I probably wouldn't have seen so much growth in myself. Thank you for believing in me. Spurring me on even when I said I couldn't. Thank you for going so out of the way for me. Going all the way to Sengkang when you live so far away for shepherding. All the way to Serangoon to run with me even when you dislike running probably as much as I do. Helping me with my UA duties. Bringing me to Billy Bombers. There are so many things you have done for me and if I were to list them all. I might crash blogger. But really, thank God for you and all that you've done. God sees your hard work and will bless you and annoint you to bring Ezekiel and all your other sheeps to their upmost potential. I thank God for the NS ministry, for Jiehui who work so hard to find the key to the ministry. Reading books even I don't wanna read just so you can teach apologetics and spending so much time to the point of people probably think you being gay or something. For my current shepherd Peter, for helping me grow in such a short time to really want to extend the kingdom of God. For CD1, being my CG for 1 year, going through the year with me, lifting me up. For CD3, my CG now, for accepting me so readily. I see a great growth in the year ahead. For everyone in this ministry, for working so hard to bring in the harvest. You guys have been a great inspiration to me. For Daniel too, my DL, you've believe much in my ability even when I didn't. You gave me constant reminders of what God wants me to do, to be salt and light. Also, your passion for central has given me passion too. For pastor Shirley da-jie, when I see your dedication to the kingdom of God, your passion for growing the Church, your desire to see God be known to the world. Wow. Thanks for all your sweat and blood and tears. I think you've really help to motivate the whole youth ministry to reach what we are today, breakthrough 1000 is done. Let's move on to greater glories for God. For the ppl I've taught in NED, don't know what I've been doing to you all. Haha. But thank God for you all, for believing in my ability in maths and chem which I don't believe in. Especially Gary and Zijie, for spending alot of time with me after your exams. For Desmond, So busy still try to find time to teach me guitar. I really appreciate that. So down to the last person, who's to me, as important as Derrick, heh, important people should be placed both first and last. To my spiritual buddy Alvin. Firstly, thank you for trusting my then very raw tutoring skills, my first student. Thanks for motivating me to run so I can lose weight, heh. Choosing to take time to spend it with me when I need it. For teaching me even as I was teaching you, the overnight discussions over passages in the Bible and so on. Introducing me to alot of good food. We haven't been SBs for very long, think at most 3 weeks only. But really, thanks. Let's grow our groups strong, and go try more food, and fish and all that.
Writing this post so far, I cannot count the number of times I've teared. How strange that during my daily life, I've never remembered these blessings God has given me. Thank God Shirley gave me this idea.
Over the whole of 2007, I hope those bad things will dissapear, they might be replaced, but they must not remain. All who read this please help me ok? Stop me from giving excuses I make for continuing on with those horrible things I've done this year.
My prayer for the new year
God. I really pray that during the next year. You'll guide me to be the best I can be. I might not be comfortable with it, I might fear it, I might hate it. But guide me all the same, I choose to follow what the Holy Spirit prompts me to do. And when I don't do it. Send me reminders through people to remind me what I've prayed for today. Be with me, that I may be comforted by your presence during times of despair. When I feel like You aren't there, remind me that You're always there. That You're simply letting me learn to walk on my own, but still watching over me. God I pray that next year will be a fruitful year. Because I have chosen to make outreach my lifestyle. Mold me to be someone that will live for you. May my everyday for next year and the year after and forevermore be days that will glorify You. That I may be salt and light to the world. Grow me to become all that You want me to be. Everyway that I can, I want to serve You, to worship You, to simply love You. Let everything that I need come from You and no one else. You are my creator, my provider, my saviour, my friend, my guide, my everything. Guide me always, never let me go. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.