Sunday, November 06, 2005
TIME: 11:25 PM
Only one day more. Am I afraid? Am I stressed? Am I in despair? Am I in panic? Nay nay and a thousand times nay.(I really should have taken lit)
Why not? To a certain extent...I know that stressing now brings nothing but bad grades in the end...should be cool.Another?I trust God.
It's really amazing. Sometimes I wonder why God even bothers with me...I'm like of not much talent, I can't connect well with people...still can't do it... I've tried and really...ever seen an egg try to break a rock?... I'm definitely not good physical wise...nor academically wise... nor musical wise despite what people think... nor anything wise... and yeah I have low self esteem...haha.
With all these kinds of thoughts, its pretty obvious that sometimes I think that God will be better off without me and so on and so forth. But nay nay and a thousand times nay(oh why din i take lit?). My realization came about erm...ok actually I dunno exactly which event did i derive my realization from...maybe its a mixture...like the flu buggy...just before A levels too... well thank God I feeling much better now...when in the past,from my experience...this level of flu would have last for at least 2 weeks...now it only lasted 4 days. So definitely something to thank God about. Problems with relating with others? Prayed for it and God sent me many solutions in many different forms. Though now I still have the problems,probably because I haven't the necessary skill to change anything. Have problems with pessimism? Yeah pretty pessimistic before,still am sometimes...and it leads to a whole lot of other problems...like losing temper...low self esteem and what not...but then over these 2 weeks especially... I prayed for self-control and patience...and although I still haven't broken out of this habit of looking at the bad side of everything, it significantly reduced itself,I guess its not very visible to most...I have been rather good at masking the good points and leaving the bad sides as spikes against the outer world...but then I do have more self-control.
Why am I mentioning this?I really dun get the main point...but its kinda a rant.See I almost blew up again today...and anyone who really knows me...which can be sum up as only God...since I doubt anyone else really bothers and I'm half confused about myself...would know that when I really do blow up its probably gonna literally cause me to go back to my loner-istic life all over again...so ya know ranting out...reminding myself that there's God in case I do forget...which is possible... So anyway, no idea why...but my heart received a few bolts of pain today...no its not gonna be a heart attack... just that like my heart breaks...haha...go figure...
Obviously I'm tired and in desperate need of sleep...I've been going in circles...the main point I want to make is actually however weak ye'll be,God is there to make ye strong. Believe in Him and all things will be possible.(actually this is more to me)
Good luck to all ye O level seadogs,keel haul the ol' S.S paper and have it walk the plank...haha...just a little pirate humour there...God bless all.